Fasting, weeping, mourning

But now, now—it is Yahweh who speaks—
come back to Me with all your heart,
fasting, weeping, mourning.
Let your hearts be broken,
not your garments torn…
Joel 2:12-13a Jerusalem Bible

Fasting, weeping, mourning. Three things I can’t seem to do. Once I used to fast quite a lot, following meekly the prescribed rules. I got older. My life started falling apart, along with my health. Brother body just won’t cooperate, and I relent to punish him for his frailty, lest I kill him completely. God knows my fasts, He remembers them. He knows when I am fasting and when I am not, regardless of what I eat or don’t eat.

…turn to Yahweh your God again,
for He is all tenderness and compassion,
slow to anger, rich in graciousness,
and ready to relent.
Joel 2:13b Jerusalem Bible

I can’t remember the last time I wept before today, the last time I mourned. Sadness and disappointment plague me, over my own problems and tragedies and those of others, but I don’t mourn. I’m tired to death of my personal, built-in law of failure, of the sin that settles in so comfortably amidst my excuses, yet I don’t weep. It’s almost like a state of despair without naming it as such. “If you have a heart, you can be saved.”

Sometimes I wonder, “Do I have a heart?”

Today I read two stories in the book Jesus Freaks – Martyrs by the Christian rock band, dc Talk. I keep two of their books always on the corner of my livingroom table, hoping to be able to read them, but until today they’ve been lying there untouched for weeks. I came home from work, cooked myself some supper, sat down to eat, and to be refreshed after a day of tedium at the office by some spiritual reading.

The two stories following unleashed me somehow, and I was able to cry, to weep as the prophets exhort, for my sins and the suffering in my life and in the lives of others, that we seem helpless to remedy. We aren’t helpless, of course, but our memories fail us, and our hearts, like leaky buckets, often let the good things we have lived, seen and heard run out and be lost. Hence, we must work continually patching the holes, but even more, keep refilling our hearts with the memory of God’s saving acts in His saints.

Lord, have mercy.

Story One: Jubilant Dance for Jesus
Russian Captain
Romania
1940’s

When I was still living behind the Iron Curtain, I had met a Russian captain. He loved God, he longed after God, but he had never seen a Bible. He had never attended religious services. He had no religious education, but he loved God without the slightest knowledge of Him. I read to him the Sermon on the Mount and the parables of Jesus. After hearing them, he danced around the room in rapturous joy, proclaiming, “What a wonderful beauty! How could I live without knowing this Christ?” It was the first time that I saw someone jubilating in Christ.

Then I made a mistake. I read to him the passion and crucifixion of Christ, without having prepared him for this. He had not expected it. When he heard how Christ was beaten, how He was crucified, and that in the end He died, he fell in an armchair and began to weep bitterly. He had believed in a Savior and now his Savior was dead! I looked at him and was ashamed that I had called myself a Christian and a pastor, a teacher of others. I had never shared the sufferings of Christ as this Russian officer now shared them. Looking at him was, for me, like seeing Mary Magdalene weeping at the foot of the cross or at the empty tomb.
Then I read to him the story of the resurrection. When he heard this wonderful news, that the Savior arose from the tomb, he slapped his knees and shouted for joy, “He is alive! He is alive!” Again he danced around the room, overwhelmed with happiness. I said to him, “Let us pray!” He fell on his knees together with me. He did not know our holy phrases. His words of prayer were, “O God, what a fine chap You are! If I were You, and You were me, I would never have forgiven You Your sins. But You are really a very nice chap! I love You with all my heart.”

I think that all the angels in heaven stopped what they were doing to listen to this sublime prayer from this Russian officer. When this man received Christ, he knew that he would immediately lose his position as an officer, that prison and perhaps death in jail would almost surely follow. He gladly paid the price. He was ready to lose everything.

Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:8, 9 NIV

Story Two: I Always Have Jesus Before My Eyes
John Stanescu
Romania
1960’s

The Russian colonel entered the cell carrying the cane used for beating prisoners. As director of the slave labor camp, he had been informed that someone had dared to preach the Gospel. “Who is the culprit?” he demanded. When no one responded, he said, “Well, then all will be flogged.”

He started at one end of the cell. Soon the air was filled with the usual yelling and tears. When he came to Stanescu, he said, “Not ready yet? Strip this minute!” As he stood up, the Romanian deacon John Stanescu replied, “There is a God in heaven, and He will judge you.” With this, John’s fate was sealed. Everyone knew he would surely be beaten to death. There was a sudden hush.

At that moment, a guard entered saying, “Colonel Albon, you are called urgently to the office. Some high-ranking generals have come from the Ministry.” The colonel left, saying to Stanescu, “We will see each other again soon.” However, things did not turn out as the colonel had planned. Communists hate and often jail each other for no reason, and the generals had come that day to arrest the colonel! After an hour, Colonel Albon was back in the cell, this time as a prisoner.

Many inmates jumped at him to lynch him. But Stanescu jumped to his defense, shielding the defeated enemy with his own body. He received many blows himself as he protected the torturer from the flogged prisoners. Stanescu was a real priest, a royal priest. A Christian prisoner later asked him, “Where did you get the power to do this?” He replied, “I love Jesus ardently. I always have Him before my eyes. I also see Him in the enemy. It is Jesus who keeps them from doing even worse things. The grace of God brings about His blessings in the spiritual and material realms. As His children, we do not have to be buffeted about by all the torments that afflict the world. Even when trouble comes, the sunlight of God is shining, and there is peace within us.”

I am the One who reproves and disciplines all those He loves: so repent in real earnest. Look, I am standing at the door, knocking. If one of you hears Me calling and opens the door, I will come in to share his meal, side by side with him. Those who prove victorious I will allow to share My throne, just as I was victorious Myself and took My place with My Father on His throne.
Letter to the Church at Laodicea, Revelation 3:19-22 JB