These words come to us from Ioanna Miller, who died August 23, 2001 at the young age of 21. She wrote them just a few months before she ‘fell asleep’ in the Lord during the throes of her heroic battle against leukemia. Let us remember our life’s single and only purpose is to enter into the mystery of the Cross, to accept the simplicity of God’s plan for us, Who “so loved the world that He gave His only Son.” (John 3:16It is much too easy to forget the reality of these words and how quickly this life can pass. The world can consume us in its material, its entertainment and obligations, making us forget that we walk on a tight rope with eternity beneath us. We worry about hours, days, years, but what are these? Are they not only tiny drops in the infinite ocean of eternity? Where is our peace? The answer, of course, lies in Christ.
Our poor souls can get squashed under the concern of the world, so what can we do but cry out to Christ: “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me!” He will always hear. Our prayers never fall on deaf ears. It seems like if we make the smallest effort to love God, He showers us with mercy, but we do not always know the manifestations of His mercy. My prayers are often inconsistent and distracted, but even these little supplications God hears. Throughout the time I have been sick, prayer has been my only source of true peace and patience. God has so much mercy to give if we only ask for it.
Cancer, although I would never wish it upon anyone, is a great blessing in my life. Although it takes its toll on my body and may take my life, it nurtures my soul. This illness is teaching me how fleeting this life is. It also came at a time in my life when I was beginning to think that everything was in my control and that any good in my life was the result of my own efforts. At nineteen, I felt pretty invincible. When I was diagnosed, I had to look mortality in the eye and ask myself, “If I were taken now, what would I have to show that would be pleasing to Christ? Am I worthy of His mercy?” It made me consider my soul and how much more important it is than my body. Also, by seeing how quickly my health can change from wholesome and sound to lingering near death’s door, I am learning to try and “overlook the flesh, for it passes away, but to attend to the soul, since it is immortal.”
Another benefit of my illness is a forced pause in my busy routine, leaving me plenty of time to reflect. Until I was diagnosed, my life was very busy and stressful, not unlike many people’s lives. Going to college, working, thinking about career choices and making time for friends and family added up to a full plate. I sure was not thinking of Christ as much as these other things. Time away from unnecessary distractions has been a great blessing when I spend it with my spiritual eyes on Christ. I spend hours alone and do not have much energy. I have learned that unless I am watchful; I easily fall prey to temptations like despair and anxiety. Keeping myself relatively busy also helps. I have turned to activities like knitting, writing, reading, working a little with stained glass and trying to pray to fill each day.
I have also realized that it is much more beneficial to discuss my thought and concerns with another Christian than to ponder them silently within myself. I realize that I am not strong enough to fight off the voice of the enemy, who seems much louder to me when I am by myself. The company of others and spiritual conversation have been a great help to me. While this is true, I still do not want to discredit the benefits of solitude, because with watchfulness and prayerfulness I believe it can also bear much fruit.
When dark and depressing thoughts come and leave me feeling distraught, scared, sad and lonely, the remedy that brings peace to my heart is calling on the Name of Jesus. Appealing to the Mother of God and the Saints also help ward away dark feelings. Prayer gives such a great assurance of God’s mercy and love. How many times have I not turned to prayer and let gloominess settle into my soul? Why do I do that when I have such a powerful weapon at hand, the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? I only know the difference between the consolation that God gives us when we are humble and pray, and the anxiety that results from battling our weaknesses on our own.
The thought of death stings. But when I remember the loving promise Christ left us by His incarnation, death and resurrection, death is transfigured for me into a gate through which the humble and righteous enter into the Kingdom of heaven. In saying this, I cannot escape the image of the royal gates centered in the iconostasis. The Church is the whole, encompassing the living and the eternal Kingdom. The living Church passes through death, which is like a royal gate into heaven, joining the splendor of the Saints and Angels, and partaking of the sacred mysteries for life eternal. I know death is only a gate, because Christ unshackled that gate by His death and resurrection. On our part, however, faith and action are key. As Christ said, “Most assuredly I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him Who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.” Christ says that first, we have to hear His word, which I think are His teachings and actions. We must take up our crosses and follow Him, living in Him and Him in us. We must be like sheep on His right side that were saved because they were humble and loved their brother as Christ would. Then He says that we must believe in Him Who sent Him. We have to believe and love God with all our strength, heart and soul. Faith is becoming more obviously important to me, especially now that life is looking much more transitory. When my faith scatters, I feel desperate and scared, but again, when I turn to God for help, He hears me, and I find peace.
Please do not think I write these things because I practice them and am in a state of uninterrupted peace. I struggle and fall a lot. It is just that being sick has taught me so much about the importance of getting up after the struggle, living my life according to Christ, and keeping my heart in the eternal Kingdom more than in the earthly.
God has given each of us time and a wondrous creation with which to shape our souls. We must not forget, though, how temporary this life is. Leukemia has made me more aware of this perspective. Thank God not everyone has a serious illness, but I thank God that I have been given this trial. I am afraid that I would never have experienced God’s infinite love and mercy had it not been for cancer. When I think of the whole of my twenty years of life and how quickly and vainly they have passed, what would have prevented me from living another fifty years in the same way? A whole lifetime is worthless, no matter how many years it consists of, if it is not lived as an investment in eternity. We spend so much time, energy and resources on our bodies, but we ignore the soul. Although the body is important, how much more precious is the soul! Only since my body has been sorely afflicted with leukemia have I been able to discover the importance of my soul. Thank God for His incredible mercy! The sadness that often comes from the constant reminders of my mortality is swallowed up in Christ’s victory and in my hope for His Kingdom. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to share any insights my illness has afforded me with anyone who reads this. Please remember me in your prayers.
— Ioanna Miller († 2001)
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