Ο Ζων — The Living One

και ο ζων και εγενομην νεκρος και ιδου ζων ειμι εις τους αιωνας των αιωνων αμην και εχω τας κλεις του θανατου και του αδου

I am the Living One, I was dead and now I am to live for ever and ever, and I hold the keys of death and the underworld.

Αποκαλυψις / Revelation 1:18

It is the evening of Great Monday, and I will be leaving shortly to participate in the 2nd Nymphíos service, where we worship the Lord Jesus as Bridegroom of the Church. I was not intending to blog during this time, but I just follow the call day by day, my own ideas take second place. My testimony is about the Living One.

The resurrected Jesus is not a religious experience to me, nor is He an idea that I have to work hard to focus on. No, His presence as the Living One presses always on me, so it isn't a matter for belief or doubt. Sometimes, it's hard for me to focus on anything else.

Once I read this phrase in a friend's blog, speaking of discipleship ‘how does this work in practice with a dead (excuse me: resurrected and metaphysically present, but undoubtedly not physically available) teacher?’ I couldn't believe my eyes to read that Christ could be called a dead teacher. With all due respect to my friend, I think it was an awkward slip of the pen, perhaps. I don't think he meant to call Jesus a dead teacher. Call Jesus anything but that! But it made me wonder about other things I've seen, such as the WWJD bracelets. ‘What would Jesus do?’ implies that He is seen only as a historical figure.

Christians! Jesus was dead, yes, as He Himself admits in the passage quoted above, but long before any of us reading this were born, He was already and for ever the Living One. If He doesn't appear to you that way, at least try to remember that it's true, else you may live your whole life as though His rising from the dead never happened.

But ‘Christ is risen from the dead, by death trampling down death, and to those in the tombs bestowing life!’

Kali anástasi! Beautiful resurrection!

Reprinted from April 2, 2007.

Loveless

Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to Him to call his attention to its buildings. ‘Do you see all these things?’ He asked. ‘I tell you the truth, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down…
Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold…’
Matthew 24:1-2, 12 NIV

The love of most will grow cold.
This verse comes from Christ’s discourse on the end times, and there are many seemingly more startling predictions than this one in the passage—impersonators of Christ, wars and revolutions, famines and earthquakes, persecution, apostasy, and false prophets—and then this, the love of most will grow cold. It seems almost anti-climactic. Yet Christ included it. It must be an important sign, and a sign it is.

This is my experience practically every day.
This is our experience, though because its presence is so pervasive, we’ve all become used to it and don’t notice it. If we did, it might drive us to despair. What am I talking about? ‘The world’s not all that bad!’ Sorry, brothers, sorry, but it is. Even close to home.

At first I wanted to say of this love growing cold, that unwillingness to affirm the other person is its hidden root, but no, even that root doesn’t go deep enough. Jesus plainly calls its cause—wickedness—in Greek anomía, lawlessness. Ironic, that lawlessness causes lovelessness? I should have stopped here, but forgive me, brethren, for this worthless ramble.

We love because we feel we are loved. Loved by whom? Well, for starters, think of a child, one who knows that his parents love him, especially that his mother does. That makes it possible for him to love, and love he does. But what if his mother doesn’t love him, and he knows it? Right from the beginning, the inner emptiness caused by that lack of love can turn his love inwards, to self-love. ‘Well, if mommy doesn’t love me, I’m looking out for number one,’ or, as we read in C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle, ‘The dwarfs are for the dwarfs!’ A lot of loveless people start out this way, crushed children grow up into crushing adults.

In a general sort of way, the love of most grows cold because they don’t really believe that God loves them, personally. Why don’t they? Well, it’s probably because they don’t believe that God exists at all. Imagine this—living in a universe without God. If you don’t open your eyes in the morning and look at the universe, it may not even exist! When you die, for sure the universe is gone. But if there is a God, could that be why the universe continues, whether any one of us is alive to experience it, or whether we are dead? This God, like the character of Christ in the film Jesus of Nazareth, doesn’t even blink. If He did, what would become of us?

This is my experience practically every day.

People protect themselves from the imposition of others. They see that something they know and could say or do would lighten someone’s burden, help them in some way, but they withhold it. ‘Why should I lend a hand? I’m busy,’ or worse yet, ‘Serves him right, he’s old enough to know how to do that. Too bad, you dope!’

Parents turning away their children, eager to push them out of the nest. Children abandoning their parents, ignoring them until they want something. Employees making a co-worker’s job difficult because they can’t be bothered to share what they know. Drivers cutting people off, making other unsafe manoeuvres, honking their horns at anyone who gets in their way. Customer service people who respond only to your exact question, unwilling to help you ask the right question to solve your dilemma. Why? What would it cost them?

How can anyone have such hatred towards another creature? They see someone crushed, they crush him lower. They see someone in distress, they say, ‘It’s none of my business.’

And when do these people attend? When do they extend themselves for others? When there is profit to be had, plain and simple. Calling ourselves Christians, we try our best to live in love according to our ability, because we know that ‘he who lives in love lives in God’ (1 John 4:16) and ‘whoever loves his brother lives in the light… but whoever hates his brother is in the darkness’ (1 John 2:10-11), and yet we somehow are able to provide ourselves with reasons why we should withhold our love from this or that person. ‘Why should I help him after all he’s done to me?’ or ‘Let her learn for herself what I had to go through!’

Christ help us!

Why doesn’t our own past suffering soften our hearts towards those suffering now? Do we think by handing over a five-dollar-bill we can satisfy the justice of God? Does making a party for our friends and being generous to those from whom we expect benefits or praise make up for our callous hearts?

We draw near to the time of Christ’s resurrection, or rather it draws us near, the Father draws us near to His Son, if we will let Him. We confess, ‘All is forgiven in the resurrection,’ echoing the teachings of the fathers. We shout at the end of the midnight service of Pascha, ‘Epikranthi! It was vexed!’ speaking of Hades’ state when it discovered it had tried to hold the uncontainable God, and ‘Anesti Christos! Christ is risen!’ speaking of the single event in the universe that has annihilated annihilation.

Are we willing, at last, to rekindle in us the only fire worth having, the only flame that never goes out? ‘Come, receive the light from the unwaning Light!’ Though in this world of darkness that Light still shines, without being put out, yet also without being grasped, can we walk in that Light? Can we live in love? Or is our love going to grow colder? ‘Upon those who walked in darkness, a Light has shone’ (Isaiah 9:2).

Φωτιζου, φωτιζου, η νεα Ιερουσαλημ, η γαρ δοξα Κυριου επι σε ανετειλε. Χορευε νυν και αγαλλου Σιων…

As for those who are left

Christ is risen! Truly He is risen! Now that that’s settled, let’s eat!

I can’t help but reflect how what I wrote above is the experience and motivation of a large part of ‘practicing’ Christians. This is not meant to put a damper on this day, but to remind those of us who are left, that we have an open door to Paradise.

‘Thou didst destroy death by Thy Cross, Thou didst open Paradise to the thief. Thou didst change the lamentation of the Myrrh-bearers, and Thou didst command Thine Apostles to proclaim that Thou didst arise, O Christ God, and grantest to the world great mercy.’
(Κατέλυσας τω Σταυρώ, Troparion of the Resurrection, Tone 7)

Those of us who are left? Yes, that’s right. Those of us who are left.

I remember one year, after the proclamation of the gospel out in the cold night air in the plaza before the temple’s western doors, we bearing our lighted but flickering candles filed back into the nave.

Fewer of us were there, it seems, far fewer than the number we were before the procession outdoors. We went back to our seats and noticed, looking around us, how the benches were emptier, or had different occupants than before. After waiting for everyone to settle in, the preacher began.

‘Christós anésti!’ and we responded ‘Alithós anésti!’ 

‘Christ is risen!’ ‘Truly He is risen!’ 

‘Khristós voskrése!’ ‘Voístinu voskrése!’ 

…reflecting the fact that the community was comprised mostly of Greeks, Americans, and Eastern European immigrants from Slavic lands. The preacher, our parish priest, did not mince words.

‘Now those have gone home with their Paschal candles alight to enjoy the feast and stay up all night eating and drinking. As for the Christians who are left…’ and then he continued with a simple but heartfelt homily on Christ who was dead but is now alive, and lives forever (Revelation 1:18). Then, we proceeded to the mystery of Holy Eucharist, and afterwards broke our fast together, quietly, in the parish hall for a few minutes before dispersing into the night.

The words of his sermon have long since faded. They were excellent words, well-spoken, encouraging, full of light and life for the moment. But what stayed with me to this day, and every day, was the assertion and challenge, ‘As for the Christians who are left…’ I never forget those words, and the offer of an open door to me, just a thief like everyone else.

‘The thieves were stealers, but reason condemned Him,

and the grave was empty where they had laid Him.’

(Job’s Tears, Robin Williamson, The Incredible String Band)

How could human reason have ever guessed that the convicted thief would not only be released from punishment, but actually be rewarded for his boldness in stealing?

Yes, the world was turned upside down, not just by the apostles as recorded in the book of Acts (17:6), but by Christ, who brought heaven down to eradicate hell, and took the souls of men as the booty of war and tokens of His victory over death, to present them to His heavenly Father (Ephesians 4:8-10).

‘Glory to Your resurrection, O Christ! Glory to Your kingdom! Glory to your plan of redemption, O only loving God!’
(Του λίθου σφραγισθέντος, Troparion of the Resurrection, Tone 1)

Yes, yes, yes

So, at long last the day of Christ’s glorious and life-giving passion has come round again. We have exited one Great and Holy, the Forty Days, only to enter into another Great and Holy, that Week. The sun of His entry into the Holy City rises resplendent and seemingly unconscious of what lies ahead, else would it dare to rise? Yes, Mary and Martha, it was no dream: your brother is still alive. Lazarus, who was in the tomb for four days while Jesus, seemingly heedless, went on with His affairs, breathes again. He is still with you. No one has yet dared to ask him, though he speaks, of what he met with in the lands below.

Nothing we could have done in those Forty Days now ended would have prepared us for this Week. Though we tried to ready ourselves, even to inflicting forty lashes on our flesh, even to cleansing the house of our hearts by threefold toil—fasting, prayer, alms—our search has so far failed to turn up the lost drachma. Time seemed to speed by. So much to do, we began the work, but we could not finish it. Now, we enter into time through a different door, it seems, and it flows more slowly. With dead Lazarus now alive, every second drags to make more spacious the time that His Passover will utterly fill.

Nothing they could have done in those three years now coming to a close could have prepared them for what was to happen. Though they followed the Master, lived with Him, walked at His side, day and night being in the Presence of something greater than a mere cloud by day and pillar of fire by night, their flight from spiritual Egypt had so far failed to bring them into the Promised Land they expected. Time seemed to have sped by. He had shown them the fields white for harvest, but in their hearts they sensed with foreboding that the Lord of the Harvest had first to sow an aweful seed, His own body.

But they were afraid to admit it to themselves, just as we, twenty centuries later, fear to look at what this means, ‘I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds’ (John 12:24). Now, we with them are entering into a Week when either time is stretched to its limit, or simply comes to a stop, so that the Son of Man can reveal His work to us, and form it in us, by our witnessing what all time, all creation, has awaited. Something more terrible than the trumpet-blasts and dark cloud of Sinai is about to appear.

O Master, how can we have come to this place in time where what we fear most is about to happen for the sake of what we desire most? How can the Son of the Promise, our Only Son, be required of us, and in such a brutal offering? How can we go on? What must we find on the other side of the Sacrifice? We know, no better than Your mother and Your first disciples knew, what we will find there. We only have Your words, just as they first heard them, ‘Father, the hour has come: glorify Your Son so that Your Son may glorify You’ (John 17:1), and like them, we cannot bear to hear You ask us, ‘Do you believe at last?’

Yes, now at long last, without knowing what it means, we still say with Thomas, ‘Let us also go, that we may die with him’ (John 11:16). After these words, and after others uttered by a Voice raised on high, ‘It is finished,’ we will have to face two resurrections from the dead, that of a man who will have to die a second time, and that of a Man who is the living One: ‘I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades’ (Revelation 1:18). Time has ground to a halt, or the sun has stopped in his tracks, because another Joshua comes to defeat one greater than the Amorite kings.

Yes, and we will hear the refrain sung at the midnight tomb from which the Son has come forth ‘like a Bridegroom, exulting like a Hero to run His race’ (Psalm 19:5), ‘Let God arise, let His enemies be scattered: let them also that hate Him flee before Him’ (Psalm 68:1). Nothing we could have done in these Forty Days now ended could have prepared us for this. Though we might have searched and searched for the lost drachma, we would never have found it, for that, and all other riches of earth or heaven that we might pursue are thrown down in payment for the life of the Son of God.

Yes, time has slowed down to open wide the course for its Lord to run His race, and soon it will come to a stop as all creation watches what angels have longed to hear of and to see. There is now nothing more for anyone to do—our work is done but unfinished—but with the Hebrews to cry out, ‘Barúkh ha-Bá b’shem ’Adonáy!’ Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord! For He who runs His race has appeared, and to Him is the Victory, the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory, to Him who is the start and the finish of all races, of all things. ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega, who is, who was, who is to come…’ (Revelation 1:8).

Ha-Shamáyim

The perfection of anything solely human
consists in the fact that it must end.

The perfection and the glory of anything Divine
consist not in the fact that it has no end,
but that it has no beginning.

The raising of Lazarus from death was made perfect
when he died again.

The raising of Christ from death was made perfect
when He rose to die no more.

He not only opens to us the doors of paradise,
but shows us how we in Him were always there,
that we had no beginning as well as no ending,
that we were never solely human
but always partakers of the Divine Nature.

The captive is soon to be set free; he will not die in a deep dungeon nor will his bread run out. I am Yahweh your God who stirs the sea, making its waves roar, my name is Yahweh Sabaoth. I put my words into your mouth, I hid you in the shadow of my hand, when I spread out the heavens and laid the earth's foundations and said to Zion, ‘You are my people.’
Isaiah 51:14-16 Jerusalem Bible

Seventh Gospel

In the Orthodox Church, the service which in Western Christendom is the service of Good Friday, culminating in some churches with the veneration of the Cross, is observed on the evening of Holy Thursday. This year, Orthodox Holy Week and Pascha fall one week later than Western Holy Week and Easter. The seventh gospel reading of Holy Thursday really stays with me, and I want to share it with those observing the Friday of Christ's holy and life-giving passion today.
A blessed, bright and holy Pascha from Romanós to all the brethren…

Gospel Reading 7

The Reading is from Matthew 27:33-54

At that time, when the soldiers came to a place called Golgotha (which means the place of a skull), they offered him wine to drink, mingled with gall; but when he tasted it, he would not drink it. And when they had crucified him, they divided his garments among them by casting lots; then they sat down and kept watch over him there. And over his head they put the charge against him, which read, "This is Jesus the King of the Jews." Then two robbers were crucified with him, one on the right and one on the left. And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, "You who would destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross." So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, "He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him; for he said, I am the Son of God." And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way.

Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" And some of the bystanders hearing it said, "This man is calling Elijah." And one of them at once ran and took a sponge, filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave it to him to drink. But the others said, "Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to save him." And Jesus cried again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.

And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom; and the earth shook, and the rocks were split; the tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised, and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many. When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe, and said, "Truly this was the Son of God!"

Dread

Like everything else he said and did, it didn’t make sense at the time, and we began to understand the significance of his words and deeds only much later, only when it was too late.

Yochanan, the youngest of his disciples, the one who gave me the name by which I was to be forever known after that day, Ari, had given me the instruction to do the impossible. On the Master’s orders, to find and buy a large leavened loaf and bring it before sunset to our upper room, where he would eat the Passover with his disciples. His exact words were, ‘The Master says, my time is near. It is at your house that I am keeping Passover with my disciples.’ I was standing right there when Yochanan delivered the message to my widowed mother. The Master to share the seder with his talmidim at my house? I was stunned, but not for long. Yochanan took me aside and gave me his astonishing instructions.

‘Where am I to find unleavened bread on a day like this?’ I protested. ‘We just burned every last bit of chametz we had in the house, and no baker will have anything but unleavened matzah on the first day of Unleavened Bread!’

‘Ari Shim’on! Come on, I’ll go with you. If the Master has instructed us to do the impossible, we can do the impossible. He never sets anything before us we can’t handle.’ I always marveled at Yochanan. No matter what Jesus asked of him, he always rose to the task with a confidence I wish were mine. The other disciples, well, they might sometimes doubt, some of them, but never Yochanan, and never me, either. He’d never let me. As the youngest disciple of Jesus, the others wouldn’t listen to him, but I was even younger than he, and scrawny and timid at that. Yochanan had noticed me following them all at a distance whenever they were in my street, and one day he took me by surprise and cornered me. I thought I was in for a beating. That was the story of my life.

My father—may he rest in the peace of Hashem—died before I was old enough for him to teach me how to defend myself, and in my boyhood, brotherless, there were many who mocked and even beat me. One day—may the name of Hashem be forever blessed—I was following after the talmidim of the man from Nazareth, and one of his disciples broke ranks and approached me. ‘Who are you? And why do you keep tagging along behind us? If you want to be with us, just join in!’ Instead of running away, which is what I wanted to do, I stammered, ‘Sh-shim’on, I am called Shim’on.’ Yochanan suddenly laughed. ‘Here it comes,’ I thought to myself, ‘he’s going to mock me for not even being able to say my name.’

‘Ari! Ari’el! God’s little lion, that’s the name for you! Look at that head of hair, like a lion’s mane! I bet you can really roar, and take down a whole gang of elilim that came against you!’ And he grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me squarely in the eye, and said, ‘Brother, I like you! Come on, join us!’ I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears, but here was a boy just a few years older than me, like all the others, energetic, handsome, confident, only he wasn’t shaking me and then knocking me to the ground with a cruel guffaw. It was at that moment, that my constant feeling of dread vanished, and the world suddenly looked new and different to me. I liked him. No, I loved him, even then, and now, years later, even more.

These memories always assail me when the year comes round to the days before Pesach, the Passover. From that first encounter with my new brother, the one I never had, my life began to change. It wasn’t just having Yochanan as my friend, my special friend, but watching how the Master’s love for him, he passed on to me in exactly the same way. My father and mother loved me as best as they could, but the love that Jesus and his disciples had for each other, and for me, was different. It wasn’t a sour kind of love, always judging, always bossy, hateful of the stranger, bullying. No, it wasn’t that kind of love at all. In fact, I never knew what love really was, until I saw how the talmidim of Jesus from Nazareth loved each other, and how he loved them.

But it is getting close to the Passover, and my heart is full of dread. Remembering that day when I was sent on the errand to find the impossible, at the time full of wonder, ‘What’s he going to do with that? It’s the Day of Unleavened Bread!’ I didn’t understand, but I did it, we did it, anyway, we did what Jesus commanded. I can’t even remember where we found that loaf, but Yochanan made me promise to bring it safely home and place it on the seder table that my mother was getting ready. He had to run, no doubt, to fulfill a mitzvah that the Master gave him. Jesus was always full of love for us, but mitzvot, commandments, too.

My heart is full of dread, not remembering that night—what happened after the seder is too awful for the eyes of my mind to look upon. My heart is full of dread, remembering the Master’s eyes and voice, after he raised his friend Lazarus from the tomb. At the supper that Martha prepared to celebrate her brother’s resurrection, Jesus should have been full of joy, but the same look he had when, seeing the tomb of his dear friend, he wept, never quite left him from that moment. I could sense, though I did not understand, that there was some dark cloud advancing towards him, and toward us. Once again, as it was with me before I met Yochanan and Jesus, there was dread.

Yochanan is the only one remaining of the Twelve now, though he left to follow the Lord Jesus to Ephesos in the north, to follow him in a land far from our home in Jerusalem. The world is changed forever after what happened the third day after that strange seder. At least, it changed forever for me. Yochanan did not abandon me. His love for me is as secure and true as Jesus’ love for him. He joked with me that day I saw him off at Joppa, when he took ship with Miryam of Nazareth, to follow her son beyond Galilee of the Gentiles, to the Greeklands.

‘You know, Ari, how the Lord’—yes, now we call him not only Master, but Lord, for that He was proven to be by his rising from the dead—‘you know how the Lord told big Shim’on’—that’s Kephas. With so many named Shim’on among his followers, we all had nicknames—‘you know how he told Shim’on “Feed my lambs”? Well, brother, I will tell you a little secret. He may have told Kephas to feed the little lambs, but he told Yochanan to feed his little lion—and that is you! Remember, brother, that wherever I go, I will always love you and feed you by my prayers, because Jesus said so, and because he loves us, always, and for ever.’ And after sealing me with the love of God, and with his own love, he thus departed.

And remembering that love, the dread that dismayed me
too has departed.

Innocence

A sister asked, ‘It’s Palm Sunday tomorrow. My favorite Sunday in a whole year. I came to realise, I am a Spirit with human experience. I used to think I was a Human with spiritual experience. Time to claim my innocence. Can you elaborate on this?’

I can see you were up late and obviously thinking, and feeling, some deep thoughts, the strongbox of your soul was opened, and you handled the contents, turning the treasures over, maybe surprised at what you found there.

Your short message is enigmatic to me, who don’t really know your spiritual side very well, and can’t pretend to. I ask myself, why is Palm Sunday your favorite Sunday of the year? We all have special feast-days that are our favorite.

As a young man and new Christian (I was born a Christian but didn’t become one until I met the Lord at age twenty-four) I had a favorite season—Advent—because it was the serene, purple time, the time of quiet, not violent, repentance, like pre-dawn before the real dawn and sunrise.

I was an Episcopalian then—that’s the English form of Catholicism—and later when I, following the cloud in the wilderness, migrated to the Orthodox Church, then Pascha became my favorite time, Holy Week culminating in the Great Vigil of Pascha—Christ is risen!

I was following the Lord—not looking for Him, not trying to find myself, because in meeting him on a cold November morning all seeking was swallowed up in finding—and becoming a Christian in the world. Religion became both home and point of departure for Home.

But it was a truth that has taken a lifetime to sink in—Christ is risen from the dead, trampling death by death, granting life to those in the tombs—that has been gradually changing me from the inside out, from a creature who was a spirit living in a body, to one who is a body living in the Spirit.

Can this be something like what you mean when you say, ‘I am a Spirit with human experience. I used to think I was a Human with spiritual experience’? Your words seem to hint at a very beautiful truth, but I am cautious as I approach, because as beautiful as Truth is, it has its unfruitful twin.

In the film Brother Sun Sister Moon, Pope Innocent III tells Francis of Assisi, ‘My dearest son, errors will be forgiven. In our obsession with original sin, we too often forget original innocence.’ This is what I thought of when I read your words, ‘Time to claim my innocence.’

Why I am cautious is the emphatic feeling given to your thought by your use of the word ‘claim.’ It is a word that has been much abused in recent times, especially by writers of religious books, and by popular preachers. It pretends to an indignant attitude of self-entitlement.

I can ‘claim my innocence’ only if I mean, I want to turn myself in, to the only One who has power and authority to give it back to me. I was born innocent, but almost with my first cry the contamination began to set in, a noose was wound round my neck, and I was dragged into life.

But not into the life that I was meant for, that I was created for. Instead, I was pulled kicking and screaming directly onto a battlefield that I didn’t desire, that I was unprepared for. Think of it. Only an infant, born for paradise, bred for heaven, but abandoned on a battlefield.

So there is a God? Where was He when all this was happening? Doesn’t He care what happens to His creature? Isn’t He all-powerful? Isn’t He moral? Well, there are stories. They tell us in mythic terms about an event that takes place in each of us, how freedom is bestowed, and how lost.

Being dropped on a battlefield has nothing to do with God’s will, but everything to do with freedom. As we learn even before we have words within us to speak of it, freedom is anything but free. It must be won, and by hard struggle. Struggle against whom? Against what?

We are created, we are born, and in the moment we emerge from the womb another point of freedom has come into being, because will can exist only in freedom, beyond all categories of thought we can imagine, such as being spirits in bodies or bodies in spirits. This is just talk.

‘Time to claim my innocence.’ Yes, that is, in fact, what time is for. What God created us to be, yes, that is the treasure, the jewel of our being, beyond all human price, which was purchased at the price of the Blood of a Lamb without spot slain before the foundation of the world.

To claim, yes, to present yourself to Him who is the only One who can hand over to you what was yours from before time was, but which can only be received in time and only from His hands. And innocence, yes, that jewel, that white stone (Revelation 2:17) that has your real Name written on it secretly.

No one but you can know that Name, except for Him who gave it to you when He begot you before all worlds. That white stone which He exchanges for the black stone of sin and death that you were born carrying, like the ugly deformation that makes one a hunchback.

Yes, innocence, another word to cover the incorruptible being that is a created will, that the Uncreated takes to Himself to make it uncreated, another name to call the indefectible freedom that can no longer diverge from the Freedom that lives in the undivided Triad of the Divine Nature.

‘Time to claim my innocence.’ Yes, time it is, and given that you do not delay. Some doors are opened and stay opened. Other doors open and close again. We never know which is which in the moment of our lives when we see that open door. If we walk through it, what have we to lose?

If we walk through it, what have we to gain? ‘I know all about you; and now I have opened in front of you a door that nobody will be able to close…’ (Revelation 3:8). This is the innocence worth claiming, this is the freedom that costs, this is being a spirit who in time lives as human, and in eternity a human who lives as God.

Mary of Egypt

The Life of Our Holy Mother Mary of Egypt

by Sophronios, Patriarch of Jerusalem

"It is good to hide the secret of a king, but it is glorious to reveal and preach the works of God." (Tobit 12:7) So said the Archangel Raphael to Tobit when he performed the wonderful healing of his blindness. Actually, not to keep the secret of a king is perilous and a terrible risk, but to be silent about the works of God is a great loss for the soul. And I (says St. Sophronios), in writing the life of St. Mary of Egypt, am afraid to hide the works of God by silence. Remembering the misfortune threatened to the servant who hid his God-given talent in the earth (Matt. 25:18-25), I am bound to pass on the holy account that has reached me. And let no one think (continues St. Sophronios) that I have had the audacity to write untruth or doubt this great marvel - may I never lie about holy things! If there do happen to be people who, after reading this record, do not believe it, may the Lord have mercy on them because, reflecting on the weakness of human nature, they consider impossible these wonderful things accomplished by holy people. But now we must begin to tell this most amazing story, which has taken place in our generation.

There was a certain elder in one of the monasteries of Palestine, a priest of the holy life and speech, who from childhood had been brought up in monastic ways and customs. This elder's name was Zosimas. He had been through the whole course of the ascetic life and in everything he adhered to the rule once given to him by his tutors as regards spiritual labors. He had also added a good deal himself whilst laboring to subject his flesh to the will of the spirit. And he had not failed in his aim. He was so renowned for his spiritual life that many came to him from neighboring monasteries and some even from afar. While doing all this, he never ceased to study the Divine Scriptures. Whether resting, standing, working or eating food (if the scraps he nibbled could be called food), he incessantly and constantly had a single aim: always to sing of God, and to practice the teaching of the Divine Scriptures. Zosimas used to relate how, as soon as he was taken from his mother's breast, he was handed over to the monastery where he went through his training as an ascetic till he reached the age of 53. After that, he began to be tormented with the thought that he was perfect in everything and needed no instruction from anyone, saying to himself mentally, "Is there a monk on earth who can be of use to me and show me a kind of asceticism that I have not accomplished? Is there a man to be found in the desert who has surpassed me?"

Thus thought the elder, when suddenly an angel appeared to him and said:

"Zosimas, valiantly have you struggled, as far as this is within the power of man, valiantly have you gone through the ascetic course. But there is no man who has attained perfection. Before you lie unknown struggles greater than those you have already accomplished. That you may know how many other ways lead to salvation, leave your native land like the renowned patriarch Abraham and go to the monastery by the River Jordan."

Zosimas did as he was told. He left the monastery in which he had lived from childhood, and went to the River Jordan. At last he reached the community to which God had sent him. Having knocked at the door of the monastery, he told the monk who was the porter who he was; and the porter told the abbot. On being admitted to the abbot's presence, Zosimas made the usual monastic prostration and prayer. Seeing that he was a monk the abbot asked:

"Where do you come from, brother, and why have you come to us poor old men?"

Zosimas replied:

"There is no need to speak about where I have come from, but I have come, father, seeking spiritual profit, for I have heard great things about your skill in leading souls to God."

"Brother," the abbot said to him, "Only God can heal the infirmity of the soul. May He teach you and us His divine ways and guide us. But as it is the love of Christ that has moved you to visit us poor old men, then stay with us, if that is why you have come. May the Good Shepherd Who laid down His life for our salvation fill us all with the grace of the Holy Spirit."

After this, Zosimas bowed to the abbot, asked for his prayers and blessing, and stayed in the monastery. There he saw elders proficient both in action and the contemplation of God, aflame in spirit, working for the Lord. They sang incessantly, they stood in prayer all night, work was ever in their hands and psalms on their lips. Never an idle word was heard among them, they know nothing about acquiring temporal goods or the cares of life. But they had one desire - to become in body like corpses. Their constant food was the Word of God, and they sustained their bodies on bread and water, as much as their love for God allowed them. Seeing this, Zosimas was greatly edified and prepared for the struggle that lay before him.

Many days passed, and the time drew near when all Christians fast and prepare themselves to worship the Divine Passion and Resurrection of Christ. The monastery gates were kept always locked and only opened when one of the community was sent out on some errand. It was a desert place, not only unvisited by people of the world, but even unknown to them.

There was a rule in that monastery which was the reason why God brought Zosimas there. At the beginning of the Great Fast [on Forgiveness Sunday] the priest celebrated the holy Liturgy and all partook of the holy Body and Blood of Christ. After the Liturgy they went to the refectory and would eat a little lenten food.
Then all gathered in church, and after praying earnestly with prostrations, the elders kissed one another and asked forgiveness. And each made a prostration to the abbot and asked his blessing and prayers for the struggle that lay before them. After this, the gates of the monastery were thrown open, and singing, "The Lord is my light and my Savior; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defender of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 26:1) and the rest of that psalm, all went out into the desert and crossed the River Jordan. Only one or two brothers were left in the monastery, not to guard the property (for there was nothing to rob), but so as not to leave the church without Divine Service. Each took with him as much as he could or wanted in the way of food, according to the needs of his body: one would take a little bread, another some figs, another dates or wheat soaked in water. And some took nothing but their own body covered with rags and fed when nature forced them to it on the plants that grew in the desert.

After crossing the Jordan, they all scattered far and wide in different directions. And this was the rule of life they had, and which they all observed - neither to talk to one another, nor to know how each one lived and fasted. If they did happen to catch sight of one another, they went to another part of the country, living alone and always singing to God, and at a definite time eating a very small quantity of food. In this way they spent the whole of the fast and used to return to the monastery a week before the Resurrection of Christ, on Palm Sunday. Each one returned having his own conscience as the witness of his labor, and no one asked another how he had spent his time in the desert. Such were rules of the monastery. Every one of them whilst in the desert struggled with himself before the Judge of the struggle - God - not seeking to please men and fast before the eyes of all. For what is done for the sake of men, to win praise and honor, is not only useless to the one who does it, but sometimes the cause of great punishment.

Zosimas did the same as all. And he went far, far into the desert with a secret hope of finding some father who might be living there and who might be able to satisfy his thirst and longing. And he wandered on tirelessly, as if hurrying on to some definite place. He had already walked for 20 days and when the 6th hour came he stopped and, turning to the East, he began to sing the sixth Hour and recite the customary prayers. He used to break his journey thus at fixed hours of the day to rest a little, to chant psalms standing and to pray on bent knees.

And as he sang thus without turning his eyes from the heavens, he suddenly saw to the right of the hillock on which he stood the semblance of a human body. At first he was confused thinking he beheld a vision of the devil, and even started with fear. But, having guarded himself with the sign of the Cross and banished all fear, he turned his gaze in that direction and in truth saw some form gliding southwards. It was naked, the skin dark as if burned up by the heat of the sun; the hair on its head was white as a fleece, and not long, falling just below its neck. Zosimas was so overjoyed at beholding a human form that he ran after it in pursuit, but the form fled from him. He followed. At length, when he was near enough to be heard, he shouted: "Why do you run from an old man and a sinner? Slave of the True God, wait for me, whoever you are, in God's name I tell you, for the love of God for Whose sake you are living in the desert."

"Forgive me for God's sake, but I cannot turn towards you and show you my face, Abba Zosimas, for I am a woman and naked as you see with the uncovered shame of my body. But if you would like to fulfill one wish of a sinful woman, throw me your cloak so that I can cover my body and can turn to you and ask for your blessing."

Here terror seized Zosimas, for he heard that she called him by name. But he realized that she could not have done so without knowing anything of him if she had not had the power of spiritual insight.

He at once did as he was asked. He took off his old, tattered cloak and threw it to her, turning away as he did so. She picked it up and was able to cover at least a part of her body. Then she turned to Zosimas and said: "Why did you wish, Abba Zosimas, to see a sinful woman? What do you wish to hear or learn from me, you who have not shrunk from such great struggles?"

Zosimas threw himself on the ground and asked for her blessing. She likewise bowed down before him. And thus they lay on the ground prostrate asking for each other's blessing. And one word alone could be heard from both: "Bless me!"

After a long while the woman said to Zosimas:

"Abba Zosimas, it is you who must give blessing and pray. You are dignified by the order of priesthood and for many years you have been standing before the holy altar and offering the sacrifice of the Divine Mysteries."

This flung Zosimas into even greater terror. At length with tears he said to her:

"O mother, filled with the spirit, by your mode of life it is evident that you live with God and have died to the world. The Grace granted to you is apparent - for you have called me by name and recognized that I am a priest, though you have never seen me before. Grace is recognized not by one's orders, but by gifts of the Spirit, so give me your blessing for God's sake, for I need your prayers."

Then, giving way before the wish of the elder, the woman said:

"Blessed is God Who cares for the salvation of men and their souls."

Zosimas answered:

"Amen."

And both rose to their feet. Then the woman asked the elder:

"Why have you come, man of God, to me who am so sinful? Why do you wish to see a woman naked and devoid of every virtue? Though I know one thing - the Grace of the Holy Spirit has brought you to render me a service in time. Tell me, father, how are the Christian peoples living? And the kings? How is the Church guided?"

Zosimas said:

"By your prayers, mother, Christ has granted lasting peace to all. But fulfill the unworthy petition of an old man and pray for the whole world and for me who am a sinner, so that my wanderings in the desert may not be fruitless."

She answered:

"You who are a priest, Abba Zosimas, it is you who must pray for me and for all - for this is your calling. But as we must all be obedient, I will gladly do what you ask."

And with these words she turned to the East, and raising her eyes to heaven and stretching out her hands, she began to pray in a whisper. One could not hear separate words, so that Zosimas could not understand anything that she said in her prayers. Meanwhile he stood, according to his own word, all in a flutter, looking at the ground without saying a word. And he swore, calling God to witness, that when at length he thought that her prayer was very long, he took his eyes off the ground and saw that she was raised about a forearm's distance from the ground and stood praying in the air. When he saw this, even greater terror seized him and he fell on the ground weeping and repeating may times, "Lord, have mercy."

And whilst lying prostrate on the ground he was tempted by a thought: Is it not a spirit, and perhaps her prayer is hypocrisy. But at the very same moment the woman turned round, raised the elder from the ground and said:

"Why do thoughts confuse you, Abba, and tempt you about me, as if I were a spirit and a dissembler in prayer? Know, holy father, that I am only a sinful woman, though I am guarded by Holy baptism. And I am no spirit but earth and ashes, and flesh alone."

And with these words she guarded herself with the sign of the Cross on her forehead, eyes, mouth and breast, saying:

"May God defend us from the evil one and from his designs, for fierce is his struggle against us."

Hearing and seeing this, the elder fell to the ground and, embracing her feet, he said with tears:

"I beg you, by the Name of Christ our God, Who was born of a Virgin, for Whose sake you have stripped yourself, for Whose sake you have exhausted your flesh, do not hide from your slave, who you are and whence and how you came into this desert. Tell me everything so that the marvelous works of God may become known. A hidden wisdom and a secret treasure, what profit is there in them? Tell me all, I implore you, for not out of vanity or for self-display will you speak but to reveal the truth to me, an unworthy sinner. I believe in God, for whom you live and whom you serve. I believe that He led me into this desert so as to show me His ways in regard to you. It is not in our power to resist the plans of God. If it were not the will of God that you and your life would be known, He would not have allowed be to see you and would not have strengthened me to undertake this journey, one like me who never before dared to leave his cell."

Much more said Abba Zosimas. But the woman raised him and said:

"I am ashamed, Abba, to speak to you of my disgraceful life. Forgive me for God's sake! But as you have already seen my naked body I shall likewise lay bare before you my work, so that you may know with what shame and obscenity my soul is filled. I was not running away out of vanity, as you thought, for what have I to be proud of - I who was the chosen vessel of the devil? But when I start my story you will run from me, as from a snake, for your ears will not be able to bear the vileness of my actions. But I shall tell you all without hiding anything, only imploring you first of all to pray incessantly for me, so that I may find mercy on the Day of Judgment."

The elder wept and the woman began her story.

"My native land, holy father, was Egypt. Already during the lifetime of my parents, when I was twelve years old, I renounced their love and went to Alexandria. I am ashamed to recall how there I at first ruined my maidenhood and then unrestrainedly and insatiably gave myself up to sensuality. It is more becoming to speak of this briefly, so that you may just know my passion and my lechery. For about seventeen years, forgive me, I lived like that. I was like a fire of public debauch. And it was not for the sake of gain - here I speak the pure truth. Often when they wished to pay me, I refused the money. I acted in this way so as to make as many men as possible to try to obtain me, doing free of charge what gave me pleasure. Do not think that I was rich and that was the reason why I did not take money. I lived by begging, often by spinning flax, but I had an insatiable desire and an irrepressible passion for lying in filth. This was life to me. Every kind of abuse of nature I regarded as life.
That is how I lived. Then one summer I saw a large crowd of Lybians and Egyptians running towards the sea. I asked one of them, 'Where are these men hurrying to?' He replied, 'They are all going to Jerusalem for the Exaltation of the Precious and Life-giving Cross, which takes place in a few days.' I said to him, 'Will they take me with them if I wish to go?' 'No one will hinder you if you have money to pay for the journey and for food.' And I said to him, 'To tell you truth, I have no money, neither have I food. But I shall go with them and shall go aboard. And they shall feed me, whether they want to or not. I have a body - they shall take it instead of pay for the journey.' I was suddenly filled with a desire to go, Abba, to have more lovers who could satisfy my passion. I told you, Abba Zosimas, not to force me to tell you of my disgrace. God is my witness, I am afraid of defiling you and the very air with my words."

Zosimas, weeping, replied to her:

"Speak on for God's sake, mother, speak and do not break the thread of such an edifying tale."

And, resuming her story, she went on:

"That youth, on hearing my shameless words, laughed and went off. While I, throwing away my spinning wheel, ran off towards the sea in the direction which everyone seemed to be taking and, seeing some young men standing on the shore, about ten or more of them, full of vigor and alert in their movements, I decided that they would do for my purpose (it seemed that some of them were waiting for more travelers whilst others had gone ashore). Shamelessly, as usual, I mixed with the crowd, saying, 'Take me with you to the place you are going to; you will not find me superfluous.' I also added a few more words calling forth general laughter. Seeing my readiness to be shameless, they readily took me aboard the boat. Those who were expected came also, and we set sail at once.

"How shall I relate to you what happened after this? Whose tongue can tell, whose ears can take in all that took place on the boat during that voyage! And to all this I frequently forced those miserable youths even against their own will. There is no mentionable or unmentionable depravity of which I was not their teacher. I am amazed, Abba, how the sea stood our licentiousness, how the earth did not open its jaws, and how it was that hell did not swallow me alive, when I had entangled in my net so many souls. But I think God was seeking my repentance. For He does not desire the death of a sinner, but magnanimously awaits his return to Him. At last we arrived in Jerusalem. I spent the days before the festival in the town, living the same kind of life, perhaps even worse. I was not content with the youths I had seduced at sea and who had helped be to get to Jerusalem; many others - citizens of the town and foreigners - I also seduced.

"The holy day of the Exaltation of the Cross dawned while I was still flying about - hunting for youths. At daybreak I saw that everyone was hurrying to the church, so I ran with the rest. When the hour for the holy elevation approached, I was trying to make my way in with the crowd which was struggling to get through the church doors. I had at last squeezed through with great difficulty almost to the entrance of the temple, from which the life-giving Tree of the Cross was being shown to the people. But when I trod on the doorstep which everyone passed, I was stopped by some force which prevented my entering. Meanwhile I was brushed aside by the crowd and found myself standing alone in the porch. Thinking that this had happened because of my woman's weakness, I again began to work my way into the crowd, trying to elbow myself forward. But in vain I struggled. Again my feet trod on the doorstep over which others were entering the church without encountering any obstacle. I alone seemed to remain unaccepted by the church. It was as if there was a detachment of soldiers standing there to oppose my entrance. Once again I was excluded by the same mighty force and again I stood in the porch.

"Having repeated my attempt three or four times, at last I felt exhausted and had no more strength to push and to be pushed, so I went aside and stood in a corner of the porch. And only then with great difficulty it began to dawn on me, and I began to understand the reason why I was prevented from being admitted to see the life-giving Cross. The word of salvation gently touched the eyes of my heart and revealed to me that it was my unclean life which barred the entrance to me. I began to weep and lament and beat my breast, and to sigh from the depths of my heart. And so I stood weeping when I saw above me the ikon of the most holy Mother of God. And turning to her my bodily and spiritual eyes I said:

'O Lady, Mother of God, who gave birth in the flesh to God the Word, I know, O how well I know, that it is no honor or praise to thee when one so impure and depraved as I look up to thy ikon, O ever-virgin, who didst keep thy body and soul in purity. Rightly do I inspire hatred and disgust before thy virginal purity. But I have heard that God Who was born of thee became man on purpose to call sinners to repentance. Then help me, for I have no other help. Order the entrance of the church to be opened to me. Allow me to see the venerable Tree on which He Who was born of thee suffered in the flesh and on which He shed His holy Blood for the redemption of sinners and for me, unworthy as I am. Be my faithful witness before thy Son that I will never again defile my body by the impurity of fornication, but as soon as I have seen the Tree of the Cross I will renounce the world and its temptations and will go wherever thou wilt lead me.'

"Thus I spoke and as if acquiring some hope in firm faith and feeling some confidence in the mercy of the Mother of God, I left the place where I stood praying. And I went again and mingled with the crowd that was pushing its way into the temple. And no one seemed to thwart me, no one hindered my entering the church. I was possessed with trembling, and was almost in delirium. Having got as far as the doors which I could not reach before - as if the same force which had hindered me cleared the way for me - I now entered without difficulty and found myself within the holy place. And so it was I saw the life-giving Cross. I saw too the Mysteries of God and how the Lord accepts repentance. Throwing myself on the ground, I worshipped that holy earth and kissed it with trembling. Then I came out of the church and went to her who had promised to be my security, to the place where I had sealed my vow. And bending my knees before the Virgin Mother of God, I addressed to her such words as these:

'O loving Lady, thou hast shown me thy great love for all men. Glory to God Who receives the repentance of sinners through thee. What more can I recollect or say, I who am so sinful? It is time for me, O Lady to fulfill my vow, according to thy witness. Now lead me by the hand along the path of repentance!' And at these words I heard a voice from on high:

'If you cross the Jordan you will find glorious rest.'

Hearing this voice and having faith that it was for me, I cried to the
Mother of God:

'O Lady, Lady, do not forsake me!'

"With these words I left the porch of the church and set off on my journey. As I was leaving the church a stranger glanced at me and gave me three coins, saying:

'Sister, take these.'

"And, taking the money, I bought three loaves and took them with me on my journey, as a blessed gift. I asked the person who sold the bread: 'Which is the way to the Jordan?' I was directed to the city gate which led that way. Running on I passed the gates and still weeping went on my journey. Those I met I asked the way, and after walking for the rest of that day (I think it was nine o'clock when I saw the Cross) I at length reached at sunset the Church of St. John the Baptist which stood on the banks of the Jordan. After praying in the temple, I went down to the Jordan and rinsed my face and hands in its holy waters. I partook of the holy and life-giving Mysteries in the Church of the Forerunner and ate half of one of my loaves. Then, after drinking some water from Jordan, I lay down and passed the night on the ground.

"In the morning I found a small boat and crossed to the opposite bank. I again prayed to Our Lady to lead me whither she wished. Then I found myself in this desert and since then up to this very day I am estranged from all, keeping away from people and running away from everyone. And I live here clinging to my God Who saves all who turn to Him from faintheartedness and storms."

Zosimas asked her:

"How many years have gone by since you began to live in this desert?"

She replied:

"Forty-seven years have already gone by, I think, since I left the holy
city."

Zosimas asked:

"But what food do you find?"

The woman said:

"I had two and a half loaves when I crossed the Jordan. Soon they dried up and became hard as rock. Eating a little I gradually finished them after a few years."

Zosimas asked.

"Can it be that without getting ill you have lived so many years thus, without suffering in any way from such a complete change?"

The woman answered:

"You remind me, Zosimas, of what I dare not speak of. For when I recall all the dangers which I overcame, and all the violent thoughts which confused me, I am again afraid that they will take possession of me."

Zosimas said:

"Do not hide from me anything; speak to me without concealing anything."

And she said to him:

"Believe me, Abba, seventeen years I passed in this desert fighting wild beasts - mad desires and passions. When I was about to partake of food, I used to begin to regret the meat and fish of which I had so much in Egypt. I regretted also not having wine which I loved so much, for I drank a lot of wine when I lived in the world, while here I had not even water. I used to burn and succumb with thirst. The mad desire for profligate songs also entered me and confused me greatly, edging me on to sing satanic songs which I had learned once. But when such desires entered me I struck myself on the breast and reminded myself of the vow which I had made, when going into the desert. In my thoughts I returned to the ikon of the Mother of God which had received me and to her I cried in prayer. I implored her to chase away the thoughts to which my miserable soul was succumbing. And after weeping for long and beating my breast I used to see light at last which seemed to shine on me from everywhere. And after the violent storm, lasting calm descended.

"And how can I tell you about the thoughts which urged me on to fornication, how can I express them to you, Abba? A fire was kindled in my miserable heart which seemed to burn me up completely and to awake in me a thirst for embraces. As soon as this craving came to me, I flung myself on the earth and watered it with my tears, as if I saw before me my witness, who had appeared to me in my disobedience, and who seemed to threaten punishment for the crime. And I did not rise from the ground (sometimes I lay thus prostrate for a day and a night) until a calm and sweet light descended and enlightened me and chased away the thoughts that possessed me. But always I turned to the eyes of my mind to my Protectress, asking her to extend help to one who was sinking fast in the waves of the desert. And I always had her as my Helper and the Accepter of my repentance. And thus I lived for seventeen years amid constant dangers. And since then even till now the Mother of God helps me in everything and leads me as it were by the hand."

Zosimas asked:

"Can it be that you did not need food and clothing?"

She answered:

"After finishing the loaves I had, of which I spoke, for seventeen years I have fed on herbs and all that can be found in the desert. The clothes I had when I crossed the Jordan became torn and worn out. I suffered greatly from the cold and greatly from the extreme heat. At times the sun burned me up and at other times I shivered from the frost, and frequently falling to the ground I lay without breath and without motion. I struggled with many afflictions and with terrible temptations. But from that time till now the power of God in numerous ways had guarded my sinful soul and my humble body. When I only reflect on the evils from which Our Lord has delivered me I have imperishable food for hope of salvation. I am fed and clothed by the all-powerful Word of God, the Lord of all. For it is not by bread alone that man lives. And those who have stripped off the rags of sin have no refuge, hiding themselves in the clefts of the rocks (Job 24; Hebrews 11:38)."

Hearing that she cited words of Scripture, from Moses and Job, Zosimas asked her:

"And so you have read the psalms and other books?"

She smiled at this and said to the elder:

"Believe me, I have not seen a human face ever since I crossed the Jordan, except yours today. I have not seen a beast or a living being ever since I came into the desert. I never learned from books. I have never even heard anyone who sang and read from them. But the word of God which is alive and active, by itself teaches a man knowledge. And so this is the end of my tale. But, as I asked you in the beginning, so even now I implore you for the sake of the Incarnate word of God, to pray to the Lord for me who am such a sinner."

Thus concluding her tale she bowed down before him. And with tears the elder exclaimed:

"Blessed is God Who creates the great and wondrous, the glorious and marvelous without end. Blessed is God Who has shown me how He rewards those who fear Him. Truly, O Lord, Thou dost not forsake those who seek Thee!"

And the woman, not allowing the elder to bow down before her, said:

"I beg you, holy father, for the sake of Jesus Christ our God and Savior, tell no one what you have heard, until God delivers me of this earth. And now depart in peace and again next year you shall see me, and I you, if God will preserve us in His great mercy. But for God's sake, do as I ask you. Next year during Lent do not cross the Jordan, as is your custom in the monastery."

Zosimas was amazed to hear that she knew the rules of the monastery
and could only say:

"Glory to God Who bestows great gifts on those who love Him."

She continued:

"Remain, Abba, in the monastery. And even if you wish to depart, you will not be able to do so. And at sunset of the holy day of the Last Supper, put some of the life-giving Body and Blood of Christ into a holy vessel worthy to hold such Mysteries for me, and bring it. And wait for me on the banks of the Jordan adjoining the inhabited parts of the land, so that I can come and partake of the life-giving Gifts. For, since the time I communicated in the temple of the Forerunner before crossing the Jordan even to this day I have not approached the Holy Mysteries. And I thirst for them with irrepressible love and longing. And therefore I ask and implore you to grant me my wish, bring me the life-giving Mysteries at the very hour when Our Lord made His disciples partake of His Divine Supper. Tell John the Abbot of the monastery where you live. Look to yourself and to your brothers, for there is much that needs correction. Only do not say this now, but when God guides you. Pray for me!"

With these words she vanished in the depths of the desert. And Zosimas, falling down on his knees and bowing down to the ground on which she had stood, sent up glory and thanks to God. And, after wandering thorough the desert, he returned to the monastery on the day all the brothers returned.

For the whole year he kept silent, not daring to tell anyone of what he had seen. But he prayed to God to give him another chance of seeing the ascetic's dear face. And when at length the first Sunday of the Great Fast came, all went out into the desert with the customary prayers and the singing of psalms. Only Zosimas was held back by illness - he lay in a fever. And then he remembered what the saint had said to him:
"and even if you wish to depart, you will not be able to do so."

Many days passed and at last recovering from his illness he remained in the monastery. And when the monks returned and the day of the Last Supper dawned, he did as he had been ordered, and placing some of the most pure Body and Blood into a small chalice and putting some figs and dates and lentils soaked in water into a small basket, he departed for the desert and reached the banks of the Jordan and sat down to wait for the saint. He waited for a long while and then began to doubt. Then, raising his eyes to heaven, he began to pray:

"Grant me, O Lord, to behold that which Thou hast allowed me to behold once. Do not let me depart in vain, being the burden of my sins."

And then another thought struck him:

"And what if she does come? There is no boat; how will she cross the Jordan to come to me who am so unworthy?"

And as he was pondering thus he saw the holy woman appear and stand on the other side of the river. Zosimas got up rejoicing and glorifying and thanking God. And again the thought came to him that she could not cross the Jordan. Then he saw that she made the sign of the Cross over the waters of the Jordan (and the night was a moonlight one, as he related afterwards) and then she at once stepped on to the waters and began walking across the surface towards him. And when he wanted to prostrate himself, she cried to him while still walking on the water:

"What are you doing, Abba, you are a priest and carrying the divine Gifts!"

He obeyed her and on reaching the shore she said to the elder:

"Bless, father, bless me!"

He answered her trembling, for a state of confusion had overcome him at the sight of the miracle:

"Truly God did not lie when He promised that when we purify ourselves we shall be like Him. Glory to Thee, Christ our God, Who has shown me through this Thy slave how far away I stand from perfection."

Here the woman asked him to say the Creed and Our Father. He began, she finished the prayer and according to the custom of that time gave him the kiss of peace on the lips. Having partaken of the Holy Mysteries, she raised her hands to heaven and sighed with tears in her eyes, exclaiming:

"Now lettest Thou Thy servant depart in peace, O Lord, according to Thy word; for my eyes have seen Thy salvation."

Then she said to the elder:

"Forgive me, Abba, for asking you, but fulfill another wish of mine. Go now to the monastery and let God's grace guard you, and next year come again to the same place where I first met you. Come for God's sake, for you shall again see me, for such is the will of God."

He said to her:

"From this day on I would like to follow you and always see your holy face. But now fulfill the one and only wish of an old man and take a little of the food I have brought for you."

And he showed her the basket, while she just touched the lentils with the tips of her fingers, and taking three grains said that the Holy spirit guards the substance of the soul unpolluted. Then she said:

"Pray, for God's sake pray for me and remember a miserable wretch."

Touching the saint's feet and asking for her prayers for the Church, the kingdom and himself, he let her depart with tears, while he went off sighing and sorrowful, for he could not hope to vanquish the invincible. Meanwhile she again made the sign of the Cross over the Jordan, and stepped on to the waters and crossed over as before. And the elder returned filled with joy and terror, accusing himself of not having asked the saint her name. But he decided to do so next year.

And when another year had passed, he again went into the desert. He reached the same spot but could see no sign of anyone. So, raising his eyes to heaven as before, he prayed:

"Show me, O Lord, Thy pure treasure, which Thou hast concealed in the desert. Show me, I pray Thee, the angel in the flesh, of which the world is not worthy."

Then on the opposite bank of the river, her face turned towards the rising sun, he saw the saint lying dead. Her hands were crossed according to custom and her face was turned to the East. Running up he shed tears over the saint's feet and kissed them, not daring to touch anything else.

For a long time he wept. Then reciting the appointed psalms, he said the burial prayers and thought to himself: "Must I bury the body of a saint? Or will this be contrary to her wishes?" And then he saw words traced on the ground by her head:

"Abba Zosimas, bury on this spot the body of humble Mary. Return to dust that which is dust and pray to the Lord for me, who departed in the month of Fermoutin of Egypt, called April by the Romans, on the first day, on the very night of our Lord's Passion, after having partaken of the Divine Mysteries." [Mary died in 522 A. D.]

Reading this the elder was glad to know the saint's name. He understood too that as soon as she had partaken of the Divine Mysteries on the shore of the Jordan she was at once transported to the place where she died. The distance which Zosimas had taken twenty days to cover, Mary had evidently traversed in an hour and had at once surrendered her soul to God.

Then Zosimas thought: "It is time to do as she wished. But how am I to dig a grave with nothing in my hands?"

And then he saw nearby a small piece of wood left by some traveler in the desert. Picking it up he began to dig the ground. But the earth was hard and dry and did not yield to the efforts of the elder. He grew tired and covered with sweat. He sighed from the depths of his soul and lifting up his eyes he saw a big lion standing close to the saint's body and licking her feet. At the sight of the lion he trembled with fear, especially when he called to mind Mary's words that she had never seen wild beasts in the desert. But guarding himself with the sign of the cross, the thought came to him that the power of the one lying there would protect him and keep him unharmed. Meanwhile the lion drew nearer to him, expressing affection by every movement.

Zosimas said to the lion: "The Great One ordered that her body was to be buried. But I am old and have not the strength to dig the grave, for I have no spade and it would take too long to go and get one. So can you carry out the work with your claws? Then we can commit to the earth the mortal temple of the saint."

While he was still speaking the lion with his front paws began to dig a hole deep enough to bury the body.

Again the elder washed the feet of the saint with his tears and calling on her to pray for all, covered the body with earth in the presence of the lion. It was as it had been, naked and uncovered by anything but the tattered cloak which had been given to her by Zosimas and with which Mary, turning away, had managed to cover part of her body. Then both departed. The lion went off into the depth of the desert like a lamb, while Zosimas returned to the monastery glorifying and blessing Christ our Lord. And on reaching the monastery he told all the brothers about everything, and all marveled on hearing of God's miracles. And with fear and love they kept the memory of the saint.

Abbot John, as St. Mary had previously told Abba Zosimas, found a number of things wrong in the monastery and got rid of them with God's help. And Saint Zosimas died in the same monastery, almost attaining the age of a hundred, and passed to eternal life. The monks kept this story without writing it down and passed it on by word of mouth to one another.

But I (adds Sophronios) as soon as I heard it, wrote it down. Perhaps someone else, better informed, has already written the life of the Saint, but as far as I could, I have recorded everything, putting truth above all else. May God Who works amazing miracles and generously bestows gifts on those who turn to Him with faith, reward those who seek light for themselves in this story, who hear, read and are zealous to write it, and may He grant them the lot of blessed Mary together with all who at different times have pleased God by their pious thoughts and labors.

And let us also give glory to God, the eternal King, that He may grant us too His mercy in the Day of Judgment for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord, to Whom belongs all glory, honor, dominion and adoration with the Eternal Father and the Most Holy and Life-giving Spirit, now and always, and through¬out all ages. Amen.

The End, and Glory Be to God!

Golden morning

I was awake much of the night, struggling, and after finally dozing did not wake up until about seven this morning. When I got up and went into the hall outside my room which has a sole eastern window at its end from which I can see the snowy peak of Wy‘east, Mount Hood, I saw a sky I had never seen before, and may never see again.

Portland has been under a total overcast for about a week. A high, featureless gray cloud cover from which descends an almost constant, and annoying, vague drizzle. There, visible through my unshuttered window, was a bright but dull gold overcast, seamless and universal, a reversal of the dull gray that it quickly became after about three minutes. Like the dull gold background of a medieval painting, the underside of the cloud field was illuminated almost, it seemed, from within and not by reflection, by a sun which somehow shone through a slim latticework of mists open momentarily at the far, low horizon.

I searched for the sun in vain, and could not see exactly where the light was coming from, but it must have been a little north of east, therefore from a point just left of the mountain's silhouette, also invisible through the clouds. As I watched, the unbroken goldness gradually, almost imperceptibly, evaporated into a melange of muted golds, greens, roses, and pale blues, now becoming featured as an inverted skyscape of shallow hills. Something more definite, a solar orb, bright yellow, showed itself for seconds through a final split in the latticed east, and then sunk upward into the ceiling of clouds, which now, as my eyes were drawn back to them, had almost enveloped and subdued the colorful canopy revealed seconds before. Finally, after only another half minute, nothing remained of sun or celestial tapestry, only the still, uneventful gray white opacity of morning rain.

Experienced and written on Saturday morning, 31 March, 2012.

Simple

Just read your bible as if it were the only book in existence.
It's good for you.

Don't worry about being good.
Just keep talking to the God your eyes can't see.
Your heart will cover for you.

Smile like you've just inherited a million dollars,
and go out of your way to start giving it away.

When you go to church, remember that it's just another room.
Don't forget to go outside for some fresh air.

Finally, remember, exercise and sleep are good for you,
and when you shower, don't forget to wash the soles of your feet.

No waiting

As mankind comes to the threshold of the most amazing scientific accomplishments, his cruelty and self-destructive behavior escalates as well. We cannot be trusted, in our natural state, with our own 'perfections', which are not perfections at all but only more liabilities.

No matter where I look, there is no hope, no love, no wisdom, no accomplishment, no perfection outside of Christ, only death, death, death. They say we are escapists to have faith in the only-loving God, and that salvation is a mercenary incentive, that if God were loving and good, He would accept us all as we are, perfect and imperfect.
Do they really know what they are saying?

Only human perfection could be that incredibly stupid, not to know that heaven, or hell, is in our pockets, depending on which we have put there.

This is one of those moments for me where with Isaiah I want to cry out, 'Oh that You would tear the heavens open and come down…'
but I must confess that I cannot.

Isaiah could cry out because the Christ had yet to appear.

As for me, He is standing outside my door daily, knocking to be let in.

Always, and already, here. No waiting.

No one in the line ahead of me, only the old man.

Why can't he just get tired of waiting and leave the line.

Then, I would be next.

And the One at the wicket would not put up a sign,

'Next window please.'